HOLY MOTHER OF SZAYEL'S NONEXISTENT TESTICLES--IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN!! O.O A TIME FOR JEEPERS AND CREEPERS, A TIME FOR SPOOKS AND GHOULS...AND GENERALLY SCARING THE B'JESUS OUT OF SUCKERS. AND THAT'S WHAT THE ESPADAS DO BEST!! SOME WITHOUT INTENDING TO *cough* ULQUIORRA
ALSO: EPIC BONUS OF A COLLAB CRACK FIC WITH A VERY NICE, AND VERY PATIENT, FRIEND AND LOVER OF MY CRACK FICS:
*Ulquiorra walks onto the stage in his usual outfit and expression: boring, and bored. The audience shriek with terror upon seeing him; some children start crying, some men pass out like they're rumoured to do during their own child's birth, and some women pee themselves like they'd just recieved an offer of marriage to Justin Timberlake but then discovered their would-be lover is Justin Bieber in disguise.*
Ulquiorra: *sigh* So that's
what they meant when they said I didn't need a mask to scare the shit out of people. No matter. Welcome, to those who are still concious and whose pants are still dry, to the special Halloween edition of the Espada Parodies, with an added bonus of insanity.
*He notices that more audience members have proceeded to faint while he is talking, and suddenly his emo mind sparks with a terrifying sadistic streak that usually occurs with tea withdrawal.*
Ulquiorra: On that note...*he smiles, sweetly and innocently as Bambi did before he kicked the hunter's ass* Enjoy
*The remaining members of the audience freak out, shrieking, crying, fainting and trying to find a window to jump out of like Chad from Accounting. Ulquiorra promptly turns on his heel with an evil smirk crossing his lips, and exits the stage into the darkness.*Scene 1: This is Halloween!
*All the Espada line up in row onstage, and proceed singing with relish (except Ulquiorra). Anything's better than Aizen's 'Happy Happy Joy Joy Song'.*
Gin: *creeping out front with his evil, pedo smile like the Cheshire Cat in the modern Alice in Wonderland movie* Boys and girls of every age! Wouldn't you like to see something strange?
*The Espada begin to tune in* Come with us, and you will see, this our town of Halloween!
Espada: This is Halloween! This is Halloween! Pumpkins scream in the dead of night! This is Halloween, everybody make a scene--Trick or Treat, till the neighbor's gonna die of fright! This is our town! Everybody scream! In our town of Halloween!...
Szayel: *orange eyes gleaming* I am the one hiding under your bed
Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red!
Nnoitra: I am the one hiding under your stairs
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair!
Espada: This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
Aizen: *chibified, leaping into the centre of everything andfreaking everyone out* In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song!!
Staark: *snorning and muttering* In this town, don't we love it now?
Everybody's waiting for the next...surprise...zzzzz....
Grimmjow: *gesturing like Catwoman on steroids*
Round that corner, man hiding in the trash can
Something's waiting now to pounce, and how
Nnoitra: SCREAM!! XD
Nelliel: *shoving him away* This is Halloween
Red 'n' black, slimy green--
Nnoitra: *kicking her offstage* Aren't you scared?!
Szayel: *glomping him* Well, that's just fine!
Espada: Say it once, say it twice
Take the chance and roll the dice
Ride with the moon in the dead of night!
Harribel: *in a man's voice* Everybody scream, everybody SCREAM!!
Espada: *disturbed* In our town of Halloween...
Zommari: *emotional because he finally got lines in an Espada Parody* I am the clown with the tear-away face
Here in a flash and gone without a trace!
Harribel: I am the "who" when you call, "Who's there?"
I am the wind blowing through your hair...
Ulquiorra: *dark and brooding under an prop-up moon* I am the shadow on the moon at night
Filling your dreams to the brim with fright.
Espada: This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
Nnoitra+Szayel: Tender lumplings everywhere
Life's no fun without a good scare!
Barragan: That's our job--
Grimmjow: But we're not mean!
(Not alla time anyuwayz)
Espada: In our town of Halloween!
Ulquiorra: In this town,
Don't we love it now?
Ulqui+Nnoi=FAIL: Everyone's waiting for the next surprise(Nnoitra adds the high pitch!!)
Espada: Skeleton jack might catch you in the back
And scream like a banshee
Make you jump out of your skin!
This is Halloween, everyone scream!
Won't ya please make way for a very special
*Aizen, chibi, gay, and thoroughly terrifying, leaps into the air and starts bouncing around like a budgie on crack*Our man Jack is king of the pumpkin patch
Everyone hail to the Pumpkin King NOW!!!
EVERYONE:This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
Ulquiorra: *murmuring* In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song.
Espada: La la-la la, Halloween! Halloween! la lala, la la la, la la la, la la la, WOOOO!!!
*They pose, and the whole stage goes black.*
Nnoitra: WHO THE F*CK TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?!
Grimmjow: F*ck, I thought that'd song'd never end!!
Szayel: God, same here. Let's go paint our nails, read yaoi, and ride ponies--
Ulquiorra: Shut up you gay bastard, we've got more scenes to do, so control your hormones for more than five seconds and get moving.
Nnoitra: I WANNA KNOW WHO TURNED OUT THE F*CKIN LIGHTS! NONE OF US KNEW WHERE THEY WERE, GIN IS SOMEWHERE IN THE AUDIENCE SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF THE KIDS, AND AIZEN PASSED OUT WHEN THE SONG FINISHED!
Grimmjow: Shit, yer right...O.O
Harribel: Maybe it was the ghost of the badly burned Albanian boy from Albi the Racist Dragon?
Grimmjow: You been watching too much Youtube.
Harribel: And there's nothing wrong with that!! >_<
Grimmjow: Alright, calm down! Don't get yer bra in a twist! Oh, that's right, YA DON'T FRIGGIN WEAR ONE!!
*Before anyone has time to laugh, Harribel attacks*
Nnoitra: F*CK, IT'S LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S 50TH SEQUAL: 'THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN'S PERIOD'!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Aizen: *waking up from his drug-induced stupor* Oooh, is it Christmas already?Scene 2: Ghost Stories.
*The Espada are sitting round a log-fire created from the combination of paper and Grimmjow's hair, and trying to come up with something spooky to share.*
Nnoitra: Hey, I got one! It's--
Ulquiorra: Nnoitra, is it about a woman you had sex with?
Nnoitra: Yes, bu-
Ulquiorra: But no. Next!
Grimmjow: I got one! It's called 'Higuashi No Naku Koro Ni: UNCUT'!! It's-
Ulquiorra: Once again, no. Too violent. We have children present *motions to Lilynette, sitting beside a convieniantly sleeping Starrk*.
Lilynette: I AIN'T NO KID, ASSHOLE!!
Ulquiorra: Sure. Right. Whatever. Next!
Harribel: I have one about the day where men ruled the world.
Ulquiorra: Harribel, that's not frightening.
Harribel: It is to me!!
Ulquiorra: Nobody cares. Next!
Barragan: *waking up with a loud snort* Hm? What? Where am-
Szayel: I got one, love. It's called, 'Necro-
Ulquiorra: FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I'LL
MAKE UP ONE! Right, here goes...
*takes a deep breath, and lights up his face with the obligatory torch.*
Ulquiorra: One day there was a girl. She was brutally murdered. Said murderer went one to kill everybody and then hung himself. The End.
*switches the torch off, and sits there, silent.*Scene 3: Ghost Stories Cont.: THE FORBIDDEN MOVIE.
Espada: O.O;; YOU SUCK!!!
Ulquiorra: No, vampires-
Nnoitra: DON'T BLOODY MENTION THAT MOVIE! DON'T FRIGGIN DO IT, MAN!!
Grimmjow: I SWEAR TO GOD--!!
Starrk: *waking up* CABBAGES!!
Espada: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! O.O *they faint in terror*
Ulquiorra: *smirks* Now who said I wasn't a good storyteller?Scene 4: Dedicated to
Tyran (giant douche in-training): Shit, what's going on?!
Anton (giant perv in-training...Actually, my bad, he's fully fledged. Sorry girls): If I knew, I'd be sayin' it out loud!!
Irina (giant Mary-Sue in-training): WTF BITCH I AIN'T NO MARY-SUE!!
Me: Oh, wait...that's my OC. My bad.
Irina: DAMN STAIGHT!!
Irina: YOU WANNA FACE MY SEDUCTION PUNCH?!!
Anton: Oooh, yes please! X3
Irina: I'M GONNA KEEL YOUUUU!! *lunges but Tyran grabs her*
Tyran: Seriouly, get a grip, you're making us look like complete psychos.
Irina: I thought we were psychos?
--but IN PRIVATE.
Irina+Anton: Ooooh, we gotcha.
Irina: Right. HEM HEM!!...Uh...WHORES ARE BAD!
Anton: Yeah! I sure...I sure wouldn't want one'o those sittin' on my face right now--
Tyran: STOP STOP STOP!! God, you guys are morons!!
Anton: Says the Moron King.
Tyran: I'LL CUT YOU!
Anton: Aaah, ok ok ok, sorrieeeee!! T_T *hugs Tyran's legs*
Tyran: -_-' Jeez, sometimes I wish you had at least one ball to make dominating you with my fear-inspiring aura and violence a bit more interesting...
Irina: Methinks you took the 'fear-inspiring' too far...
Tyran: Says the woman who was cowering in fear of me when I asked if I wanted cornflakes for breakfast the other day.
Irina: I wasn't!! I...I was thinking about...my future sexual exploits!!
Tyran: *not convinced* Uh-huh.
Irina: It was very scary!!
Irina: There were bunnies and cute things! I hate cute things!!
Irina:...You don't believe me do you?
Tyran: *eyes glowing ominously* I'm sorry?
Irina: Eee, I LOVE YOU TYRAN-SAMA!!! O.O;;
*Suddenly, without warning, Nnoitra bursts in*
Nnoitra: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU GUYS DOIN'??!!!
Tyran: Participating in the parody we've been waiting for in the past few weeks?
Nnoitra: NO!!! IT'S HALLOWEEN! YER SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING' HALLOWEENY!!
Anton: Heh, 'weenie'...
*the two pervs bask in their own pervy fantasies for a few seconds*
Nnoitra: *snapping out of it* ANYWAY! GET TO IT! IF YA DON'T SAY SOMETHIN' FUNNEH YA CAN'T EAT YA PUDDIN'!!
Anton: F*CK YEAH, PUDDIN' FTW!!
Irina: *whispering to Tyran* What's wrong with Nnoitra-sama?
Tyran: I don't think he got laid today...Thus, the crankiness.
Tyran: *aloud* Right. We'll do it.
*Nnoitra leaves, and the three OCs have a mini-conference to decide what Halloweeny thing to do. Finally, they agree, and approach the audience so close you could smell their OC breath.*
All:....BOO!!!!Scene 5: Nnoitra has a sick idea.
*Nnoitra is sitting on some couch with a porn mag lying on his face, when an idea hits him like Harribel's Breast Punch, but this time without the side-effect of suffocation. He leaps to his feat and calls Gin.*
Nnoitra: Yo, Asian Pussy!
Gin: I TOLD YA NOT TA CALL ME THAT!!
Nnoitra: Whatev. Listen, I got an idea! It's so epic ya could stick Chuck Norris on it and call it epic!!
*He proceeds to relay his plan.*
*Several hours later...*
*The other members of the Espada are lured to their own personal door with the promise of cake. Cake and porn. The most epic combination on the planet.*
*Ulquiorra stands unamused before his door, labelled 'Ulquiorra's Personal Hell'. Rolling his eyes, he opens the door, and goes inside. The door shuts behind him in the most cliche manner possible.*
*Suddenly, amidst the darkness, Orihime pops out of nowhere.*
Orihime: HI ULQUI! :3
Ulquiorra: O.O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGHHHH!!!!
*Elsewhere, Grimmjow goes inside his Personal Hell.*
Grimmjow: Heh, what a joke. I ain't afraid'o nothin'!!
*A tiny Rottwieler puppy toddles at his feet, and sits, wagging his tail and gazing up at him with uber-cute-sparkly eyes.*
Grimmjow: *has Fluffles flashback* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IT'S GONNA RAPE MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
*Wild screaming ensues from the so-called 'fearless Espada'.
*Nnoitra's Personal Hell. Yeah, he did one for himself. Don't ask.'
*Nnoitra enters the room, not really knowing what he's going to see since Szayel did the details.*
*Suddenly, a giant spoon with Nelliel's face appears before him, frowning, as always.*
Nellispoon: Nnoitra--you HAVE to eat your vegetables! You've gotta at least look
like you're not starving yourself!!
Nnoitra: O.o *snap* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
*Elsewhere, Szayel giggles like the troll he is.*
*Harribel's Personal Hell.*
Harribel enters her room, and stands there for several minutes, with nothing happening. Eventually, she gets irritated.*
Harribel: What the hell, Nnoitra?
Nnoitra: *from somewhere* Look down...
*She does so, stares, and then screams like a banshee*
Harribel: NOOOOOOOOO!! MY BREASTS!!! MY BEAUTIFUL, GINORMOUS BREASTS!!! THEY'RE GONE!!! T_T
Nnoitra: Heh heh...
*Szayel's Personal Hell.*
*He walks into his room, and sees a picture of a naked Nnoitra on a table. After a few moments of staring, he realises--
Szayel: OMG....I'M STRAIGHT!!
*Gin's Personal Hell.*
*Gin stands before a mirror in his room.*
Gin: ....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! MY EYES!!! THEY'RE HUGE AND NON-ASIAN!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! T_T
Hell, that's enough for now XD Anyone got any ideas for the others, please let me know! ^^Scene 6: Jeepers Creepers, Where did you Get those Peepers?/END
*Ulquiorra walks back onstage, wearing a neko kitty mask so the audience doesn't flip again.*
Uquiorra: Thank you all bothering to show up for this Halloween...ish...Parody special. To be honest, you all completely wasted your time. Good night, and f*ck off!
Audience: Hey, you're not Ulqui!! Ulqui would never say something like that!
Ulquiorra:...Curses, foiled again. *tears his face off and reveals Nnoitra.*
Audience: AND NNOI-NNOI WOULDN'T SAY SOMETHING SO CHEESY!!
Nnoitra: Fine...*tears off his face to reveal Lilynette*
Audience: NO! YOU'RE TOO TALL!!
Lilynette: *sigh* JEEZ! *tears off face to reveal Chibi Aizen*
Aizen: ZOMBIE PONIES!!!
Aizen: PONIIIIIIES. T_T *tears off final face to reveal...
*KUBO TITE-THE TROLL HIMSELF!!*
Kubo: Hey dudes. Imma go f*ck up Bleach for y'all.
Audience: O.O;; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL!!! XD