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BLEACH GRIMMY by 001-1815

Writing by shuameyuki

Bleach by Black-Richa


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July 24, 2011
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DEDICATED TO GRIMMJOW, THE CRAZY-ASS YARN-F*CKING BLUE KITTY OF THE ESPADA (THAT WE LOVE!)


Scene 1: Introducing...

*Grimmjow is in the shower, singing loudly to the Hueco Mundo National Anthem chorus, derived from the song: 'I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt', albeit in the most inappropriately sexual way known to man (even putting the original singer to shame)—foolishly assuming that no one is there to hear him....*

*And lo, without any warning whatsoever, Ulquiorra (the dress, wings and wand having thankfully being exclusively part of Staark's crack-induced hallucination) sweeps back the curtain to reveal the butt-naked singing sexta. Understandably, Grimmjow isn't a happy kitty.*

Grimmjow: *frantically trying to cover himself with a tiny hot-towel he's holding* ULQUIORRA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING—I'M BUSY!!

Ulquiorra: *completely deadpan* Hello Kitty.

Grimmjow: F*CK OFF, THAT ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE!!

Ulquiorra: Oh really? I think it is.

*Ulquiorra narrowly avoids an L'Oreal bottle in the face*

Ulquiorra: It's your turn to do a parody.

Grimmjow: What, NOW?!

Ulquiorra: Yes, now.

Grimmjow: Can't it wait a few minutes...y'know...when I'm dry and fully dressed...

Ulquiorra: To be honest, I think you're fine as you are.

Grimmjow: GET THE F*CK OUT!! I'LL BE READY WHEN I'M READY!

Ulquiorra: Fine. *He closes the bath-curtain on Grimmjow and begins to walk out of the room. He stops and turns around.* Oh, and Grimmjow...

Grimmjow: What?

Ulquiorra: *grinning fiendishly*...Nice dick.

Grimmjow: GET OUT!!! *throws his rubber kitty at the space where Ulquiorra sonido'd from seconds beforehand*


Scene 2: What Grimmjow thinks of UlquiGrimm yaoi...

Grimmjow: It's frickin' WRONG and NOT. TRUE. The fangirl's are sick and twisted!!  I mean, seriously, WHAT THE F*CK?! I'M A BADASS AND HOT AND HE'S DARK AND DEPRESSING! HELL, ONE LOOK FROM HIM AND YOU LOSE THE WILL TO LIVE!

Ulquiorra: *pops up out of nowhere* Actually, that's a lie, that never happens.

Grimmjow: OH REALLY? What about that woman who collapsed and died the minute she clapped eyes on your 'I-wanted-a-puppy-but-Sasuke's-brother-killed-it' emo face!!

Ulquiorra: She was old, she would've kicked the bucket any time.

Grimmjow: *frowning* She was thirty-eight!

Ulquiorra:...So?

Grimmjow: WHADDAYA ME--? Hey, screw this, this is MY parody, not yours—SO KINDLY GET THE F*CK OUT PLEASE!!

Ulquiorra: Kay, I'll be waiting in our bed—

Grimmjow: SHUT UP AND GO!!

*Ulquiorra leaves, smiling in anticipation*

Grimmjow: *sighs* AS I was saying!—Yeah, UlquiGrimm ain't even canon, and it never f*ckin will be if I can help it! So these sad-o's keep ranting and raving on about somethin' that ain't even real, and spewing worthless doujinshis out to make a pile of cash on total BULLSHIT! THEY NEED THERAPY, I TELL YA! And don't give me that 'opposites attract' bullshit! Maybe in other mangas, but NOT BLEACH, CUZ BLEACH DOESN'T DO SUCKISH CLICHES! AND IT NEVER WILL UNLESS THE CREATORS WANT A YARN BALL SHOVED UP THEIR MONEY-GRABBING ANUSES!! I HAVE EVERY SINGLE YARN BALL COLOUR KNOWN TO MAN, AND ALL ARE LETHAL WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!! I'm keeping the most dangerous one for when I own Kurosaki's strawberry ass (AND I WILL!)—'Ownage Red'—the mindf*cker of all reds!!

*Grimmjow breaths out, and the blood rushes out of his face. So now he looks less like a constipated kitten thrown into a furnace.*


Scene 3: Grimmjow and Yarn Ball get married.

Priest (a hugely amused Gin in a funny hat and a bath-robe): Dearly deceased, we are gathered here today to witness the matrimony of Grimmjow Jaguar-screw-it-I-can't-pronounce-his-last-name-Jaques, and Miss Blue Yarn-Ball.

*Nnoitra bursts out laughing in one of the pews containing all the Espada (even Luppi, revived specifically for the occasion), Ichigo (pissed), Orihime (well, she IS their prisoner, so she was obliged to come), and Kon, who only turned up to see the size of the bride's boobs and whether he could risk wedging his flat plushie head into her cleavage (and so was brutally disappointed).*

*Grimmjow frowns, and is about to cero Nnoitra when Ulquiorra does it for him. Ulquiorra is the best man.*

Gin:...Moving on, let's just skip to the meat of the whole thing and get on with the weddin' vows. Grimmjow, repeat after me: "I, Grimmjow, take this...yarn ball...as my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to...hold...For longer and for shorter...In sickness (tho woman won't bloody get ill)...and in...'health', I guess...Till death (meaning your death, Grimmjow, or else if you happen to throw Miss Yarn-Ball into a ravine) do us part".

Grimmjow: Dude, you do know you were supposed to pause and let me say the bits as ya go along, right?

Gin: Oh...my bad, buddy.

Grimmjow: I can't say all that, my brain was too fixed on the amazing sex we're gonna have after this shit is over...You just say it all again and—

Gin: Nah, let's just pretend ya said it anyway. Now...*turns to Ulquiorra* Do ya have the rings?

Ulquiorra: *blinking* Rings? Your message said 'comdoms'.

*A stunned silence*

Gin: Uh...Ulquiorra, who gave ya my message?

Ulquiorra: Nnoitra.

*a charred Nnoitra bursts out laughing on the floor, so Ulquiorra ceros him again.*

Gin: Ah...Well, go figure. Sayin' that, gettin' rings would be pointless, seein' as Yarn-Ball doesn't have fingers...

Grimmjow: Can I just say something to the audience?

Gin: Sure, might as well. The booze isn't served till '3 anyways.

Grimmjow:  *turns round to face the congregation* YOU'RE ALL F*CKIN C—

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*


Scene 4: Breakfast again.

*Grimmjow wakes up to the smell of burning. Making his way down to the kitchen and peeking round the door, he finds the source. Without any consideration for the panicked gestures to keep the hell quiet from the source's chief cause, Grimmjow yells up at the top of his voice:

Grimmjow: HEY GUYS, NNOITRA'S BLOWN UP THE TOASTER AGAIN! IT'S HAPPY FLAKES FOR US ALL!

Espada: *in a sleepy, long groan of despair* Noooooooooo...Damn you Nnoitra...We will get you back...SOMEHOOOOOOOW...

Grimmjow: *grins his usual shit-eating grin at a livid Nnoitra*

Nnoitra: I f*ckin hate you!

Grimmjow: I love ya too, Nnoitra—now where're those Happy Flakes?


Scene 5: Grimmjow's opinion on the other Espada.

On himself: 'THE GREATEST BEING EVER CREATED IN THE HISTORY OF EVER!!'

Ulquiorra: 'My lover—I MEAN, THE MOST DEPRESSINGLY SAD CLOWN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! EMO WILL NEVER MEAN THE SAME THING AGAIN!'

Staark: 'Makes cats look like obsessive Olympic candidates.'

Harribel: 'A prostitute in disguise of a stripper.'

Barragan: 'So old he thinks he's a 21 year old barrister called Bob.'

Yammy: 'Has a peanut for a brain...I don't like peanuts.'

Nnoitra: 'Human shovel. Very handy, too. Other than that—-the world's tallest dick.'

AA: 'Human kettle/blender. Makes good OJ (Orange Juice). Mmmm...'

Zommari: '...No comment.'


Scene 6: To finish off...


Grimmjow: Well thank Aizen that's over! I'm gonna go shit in my litterbox. The Parodies can go suck it! Laterz!!

*he turns and makes to stride off dramatically like the megalomaniac he is, when he trips on a Happy Flake puff Nnoitra put there for the lawls, and falls flat on his face...

...Ulquiorra smiles in the shadows, thanking Aizen once again for making his eye have wireless connection to Hueco Mundo TV and SS News. God he was gonna rake it in...*


TO BE CONTINUED.
Ahhh, Grimmy...can't resist the yarn XD

The Espada belong to Tite Kubo. Aizen (c) also belongs to him. And also the Shinigami (c), Orihime Inoue (c) and Kon (c)...

THE WORLD BELONGS TO THAT AMAZING MAN!! XD
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:iconnightmarekittykat:
NightMareKittyKat Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ahahaha this was so funny :iconlaughingplz: but some parts kinda scared me :iconscaredplz:
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:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2011  Student Writer
Thank you! XD
Reply
:iconnightmarekittykat:
NightMareKittyKat Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
your welcome! :)
Reply
:iconburnt-rose-pedals:
Burnt-Rose-Pedals Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Later on that same day . . .

Ulqui: Hey! Grimmjow, guess what.
Grimmy: What?!
Ulqui: Nice D***
Grimmy: F*** YOU!
Ulqui: :iconpervyulquiplz:
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2011  Student Writer
:lmao: XD
Reply
:iconshadowreaper15:
shadowreaper15 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2011
pft hahaha read the whole thing three times. never gets old... grimmy nvr gets old. beginning to end was hilarious... cud not possibly name a part i liked the least. keep it up for future grimmy parodies XD
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:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2011  Student Writer
Awww, thank you so much! :D I will do more!!
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:iconshadowreaper15:
shadowreaper15 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2011
ps..... rubber kitty for the kitty's bath? you genius (: bet he picked it up in guilt after ulqui left <3 XD
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:iconraventheshinigami7:
RavenTheShinigami7 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
hahaha! happy flakes strike again!
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:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2011  Student Writer
Yus!! XD
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