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BLEACH GRIMMY by 001-1815

Writing by shuameyuki


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Submitted on
June 28, 2011
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Scene 1: The Espada discover the 'If Your Name was an Emo Song' website. And yes, it is real.

Ulquiorra: *types in his name*

The result: 'Ignore my soul because you're bored.'

Ulqui: T_T Bastards.


Nnoitra: *types in his name*

The result: 'Ignore my paranoia because you're so controversial.'

Nnoitra: ...That just screams me and Nelliel.


Harribel: *types in her name*

The result 'Revive my heart because I want to believe in us'

Harribel:...Why didn't Ulquiorra get this?


Grimmjow: *types in his name*

The result: 'Revive my soul right now'.

Grimmjow: Damn straight!!! *roars*... Wait, WHAT?!


Szayel: *types in his name*

The result: 'Stab my sanity because I want to believe in us'.

Szayel: YEAH, STAB ME, BITCHES! STAB ME HARD!

All: Masochist...O.O;


Zommari: *types his name*

The result: Revive my paranoia forever.

Zommari: Why would anyone WANT to be paranoid??!! Unless you're Nnoitra.

Nnoitra: YO MOMMA IS PARANOID!!

Zommari: *sarcastically* Ooh, burn.


Starrk: *gets Lillynette to type in his name for him*

The result: 'Stab my tears because you're bored.'

Starrk: Seriously, what's with these people and stabbing?


Yammy: *misspells his name several times*

The result: (made-up) 'Sh*t man, why do you even bother?'

Yammy: WAAAH, THE SHINY BOX HATES ME!!!



Scene 2: Nnoitra Discovers ITunes.

Nnoitra: *Notices computer on in Szayel's lab, sits down at it and sees the ITunes icon.*

Nnoitra: Wtf? Is this that song downloading thing Poof-Lantern's been raving on about?

*evil grin*

Nnoitra: IMMA DOWNLOADING SHIT!!! *laughs manically*


LIST OF SONGS NNOITRA DOWNLOADED:

'Too Drunk To F*ck' by Dead Kennedys.
'Dear Penis or Titties and Beer' by Rodney Carrington.
'F*ck off and die' by Green Day.
'Ain't My Bitch' by Metallica.
'Son Of A B*tch' by Accept.
'Arma-God-Damn-Mother-F*cking-Geddon' by Marilyn Manson (after whom the fandom suspect Nnoitra modelled himself.)

Among others...


Scene 3: One Night in Hueco Mundo, Nnoitra and Nelliel are arguing. This event was about as constant as Ulquiorra's frown. You get the point.

Nnoitra: BITCH, I AM NOT WATCHING THE MANTIS DOCUMENTARIES!!

Nelliel: ONLY BECAUSE YOU KEEP IMAGINING IT'S ME BITING OFF YOUR HEAD WHILE WE MAKE VIOLENT INSECT LOVE!

Nnoitra: STOP PUTTING THE IMAGES IN MY HEAD!!!

Nelliel: BUT IT'S NOT REAL!

Nnoitra: I DON'T CARE!!

Nelliel: RIGHT, THAT'S TORN IT, AND BY 'IT' I MEAN YOUR PORN MAGS!!

*opens a gargantar, takes out his secret porn mag stash, whose existence she discovered via secret camera surveillance (done for purely non-stalking reasons, of course), rips them up and chucks them on open fire Ulquiorra made a few paces away, at which he is sitting and roasting marshmellows.*

Nnoitra: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY BABIES!!! *falls to his knees and yells in despair* DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU ALL TA HELL!!!

Nelliel: :evillaugh:

Ulquiorra: *completely unfazed, watching the burning lump of porn before him, and takes a bite out of the marshmallow he just finished roasting* Hmm...Shattered dreams and despair. Yummy.

Nnoitra: *whom Realisation smacks round the face with a freakishly-large cod* OMG YESSSS!!! *jumps up and whoops in triumph*

Nelliel: *thinking he's finally snapped* O.O; What're you so happy about?

Nnoitra: *turns slowly and gives her his trademark shit-eating grin* I just remembered something...I paid for my porn using your credit cards.

Nelliel: O.O;; NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY LIFE SAVINGS!!! *falls to her knees and yells in despair* DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU ALL TA HELL!!!

Nnoitra: *still grinning* Credit card fraud's a bitch, ain't it?

Ulquiorra: *om-nom-nomming on his marshmallow* Indeed it is.

Nnoitra: O.O;;;


Scene 4: The Espada talk about their time as animals/objects during the Fullbring Arc.

Ulquiorra: I was made a bat. Thus I stayed in Kurosaki's attic the entire time. It was fun when his blond sister came up, saw me, and freaked out. That is, until she got the broom out...

Nnoitra: They turned me into a f*ckin' spoon!! In Ichigo's house!! Breakfast that day....*shudders* I can still feel that bastard's tongue on my face...AAAAHHH!!!

Szayel: You think you had it bad?! I WAS TURNED INTO A CONDOM!!! I—

Grimmjow: Whatever happened, we really don't want to know!! Our sanity is raped as it is without you f*cking it up more!

All: Agreed.

Szayel: *muttering* Homophobes...I'll get them back one day...with my GAYANATOR!!! *evil cackle*

All: O.O...Wtf?

Szayel: *sweetly* Nooooothin'!

Grimmjow: I was turned into a blue cat. That was cool. I could piss anywhere and on anyone I wanted to—especially Ichigo and his house in general—and I could eat and sleep wherever the heck I wanted—on Ulquiorra's face, mostly—(Ulquiorra: O.O...What?)... But then...*shudders*

All: What happened?

Grimmjow: Their neighbour's Rottweiler...

Ulquiorra:...Raped him.

Nnoitra: HA!!! GRIMMJOW LOST HIS VIRGINITY TO A DOG!!! XD

Grimmjow: YO MOMMA LOST HER VIRGINITY TO A DOG!!

All: OOOOOooooooooooooooo! Burn!

Nnoitra: Asshole—LOL, IRONY! XD

Grimmjow: >_<

Starrk: I was turned into a coyote. Yeah, we all saw that comin'. And you can prob'ly guess what I was doing in that time...

Yammy: I was a baby chimp. I pooped.

Nnoitra: We coulda gone our whole lives not knowing that...or seeing that...image...in our minds *shudders*

Yammy: RACIST!

Nnoitra: O.O;

Zommari: I was turned into a paperweight...

All: LOL, should've figured as much!



Scene 5: Grimmjow vs Shinji.

Shinji: TASTE THE MIGHT OF JAZZ FUNK, BITCH!!

Grimmjow: OH YEAH? I HOPE YOU CRY WHEN YOU GET YOUR JAZZY ASS KICKED BY MY METAL POWER!!!

Shinji: YOU'RE ONE TO TALK—WHO WAS CONKED OUT ON DRUGS LAST SUNDAY AFTER A GIG, HUH? HUH?!

Grimmjow: OH LIKE YOU WEREN'T IN THE SAME CONDITION ELSEWHERE WITH YOUR HIPPIE FRIENDS!!

*they continue to bitch*

Ichigo: Uh...reckon this'll take a while?

Rukia: Definately. Hey, let's go get popcorn.

Ichigo: And remember to get me Salty—

Rukia: *far away at the popcorn stand* WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! *buys him Sweet instead*

Ichigo: She never let's me have my way...*sulks*


Scene 6: Szayel talks about being Homo in a seemingly straight shounen manga.

Szayel: I'm hot, I'm gay, and I'm a villain. That means I fit in no-where. The hot guys go 'OMG HE'S GAY—LET'S ASSERT OUR MASCULINITY BY THROWING OUR COCKS AROUND AND SLEEPING WITH HOES!' and the gay guys go: 'OMG HE'S LIKE, SO A CANON HOMO! LET'S SHUN HIM WITH OUR COLD FEMININE INDIFFERENCE!, and the villains go: 'OMG HE'S HOTTER THAN US—LET'S WORK OUT TILL OUR MUSCLES SURPASS HIS SEXINESS! Or else wear make-up—whichever works best.'

*sighs*

Szayel: I wouldn't have been able to be where I was if it weren't for Nnoi-Nnoi...

Nnoitra: *offscreen* YES YOU COULD!!!
I bet this one sucks ^^; I've had a kinda bad day, although it got better quite quickly. I'm better now tho :D

As always, the characters mentioned in this fic belong to Tite Kubo, not me.
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:iconcollettey:
Collettey Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I got "Ignore my heart for the last time". lolz
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:iconiron-donut:
Iron-Donut Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
lol i got stab my paranoia right now... XD
Reply
:iconiron-donut:
Iron-Donut Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wow the website is real... whad'ya know
Reply
:iconmaia61:
Maia61 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011
i got 'Stab my soul for the last time' ... i havent been stabbed anytime before though D=
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011  Student Writer
Wow...^^; You alright? XD Jk, jk! XD
Reply
:iconmaia61:
Maia61 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011
XD dunno what thats supposed to mean ... the stabbing thing
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2011  Student Writer
Neither do I! XD
Reply
:iconmaia61:
Maia61 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2011
it will always remain a mystery X_x
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2011  Student Writer
Yes...*looks into middle distance with overly-thoughtful expression* XD
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:iconmaia61:
Maia61 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2011
lol XD
Reply
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