Scene 1: Soul Society By-Election, featuring Espada and some other people.
Announcer (aka, Ichigo's dad, Isshin): Alright! Welcome to the Soul Society By-Election!So far so good with the turn-outI managed to get my son outta bed with only a brick to the crotch this time!
Ichigo (offscreen): MY KIDS ARE GONNA GET YOU FOR THAT!!
Isshin: Ha ha!...Kids! They're so funny. *narrowly avoids being axed by an overly-large cleaver resembling Ichigo's Zampakuto* Ahem. On with the proceedings! We have five main contestants tonight, all groups headed by a member of the Espada. Well, the members who aren't confirmed dead or in rehab. Oh, here come some of the candidates now.
*Ichigo walks up beside Isshin, still annoyed about the crotch-incident.*
Isshin: Oh, hey son! You're part of the 'Strawberries Are Cool' Party, aren't you?
Ichigo: Yeah. Starting to regret letting Yachiru choose the party name.
Isshin: Any comments on how you're gonna win the campaign?
Ichigo: Well, we decided to fight using local issues not personalities.
Isshin: And why's that?
Ichigo: Because our leader doesn't have a personality.
Isshin: Who's your leader?
Isshin: Ah. Oh dear. Right. Carry on, then.
*Szayel shoves between them, very angry*
Isshin: Oh, good evening, Szayel.
Szayel: SHOVE YOUR DAMN 'GOOD EVENING' UP YOUR BARELY-PROBED ANUS! I DEMAND ALL OF YOU VOTE FOR ME OR YOUR FAMILIES GO TO ANIMAL EXPERIMENTATION!!
*there is an awkward pause*
Isshin: Right. Thank you, now please sod off. Your face is scaring the children. I can't see them but I'm pretty sure it is.
Szayel: *walks off, muttering, while Ichigo and Isshin watch him silently* Your testicles will be mine...
Ichigo: Guy must've heard he's not getting any votes.
Isshin: No kidding. Now, everyone must stand on the podium while we read the final votes and announce the winner of the Soul Society by-election.
*Ichigo goes to join his party 'Strawberries Are Cool', with his leader, the strangely triumphant-looking Ulquiorra, Yachiru (nomming on Ikkaku's head), Ikkaku (pissed off) and Renji. Other parties gather around as well. Ulquiorra approaches the microphone with a sheet of paper revealing the results of the votes.*
Ulquiorra: As acting returning officer for Society Society...
Isshin: *quietly to the audience* We're all very grateful that Ulquiorra stepped in at the last second when the previous returning officer accidently and brutally stabbed a hole in his chest a few days ago.
Ulquiorra: I will now announce the number of votes cast as follows: Grimmjow Jaguerjaques. Followers: His Fraccion whose names I'm too lazy to read out.
Isshin: 'Badassery Incarnate Party'. Policies: the extermination of dogs, compulsory serving of cat-biscuits at tea-time, and two-minute working hours for all.
Ulquiorra: No votes.
*Grimmjow roars in anger and proceeds to rip the head off a nearby Dachshund named Colin. His followershis own Fraccion since no one else wanted to be near the guy when he lostrampage out the door while stocking up on booze on the way.*
Ulquiorra: *completely unfazed* Nnoitra Jiruga. Follower: Tesla Lidocruz.
Isshin: 'Spoons Can Go F*ck Themselves' Party. Policies: abolition of all spoons in the cutlery range, extermination of goats, creation of Men United club striving for men's rights over women, and Thrash Metal festivals taking place every few days.
Ulquiorra: No votes.
Isshin: Well, we all saw that coming.
*Nnoitra lunges at Ulquiorra, only to get a mic in the face and blind the other eyeTesla, his only follower, helps him out of the hall.*
Ulquiorra: *once again, unfazed* Tia Harribel. Followers: Rukia Kuchiki, Orihime Inoue, Mutsumoto Rangiku, and Shunsui Kyōraku.
Isshin: 'Big Boobs FTW' Party. Policies: Free boob jobs for the flat-chested, rights for all, strawberry festivals (no prizes for guessing who made that one up), art-clubs taught by Rukia Kuchiki, and pet stores that only house cute things.
Ulquiorra: No votes.
*Rukia grabs the fallen mic and screams: 'YOU'RE ALL BUNNY-HATERS!' before running off to comfort a distraught Orihime with Harribel.*
Ulquiorra: *sighing* Szayel Appollo Granz. Followers: His Fraccion, Mayuri and Nemu.
Isshin: 'Death To Non-Believers (in science)' Party. Policies: Testicle amputation to benefit the masses, experimentation on whatever baby we see pop out first, poison candy for kiddies, and mutants for pets.
Ulquiorra: No votes. You can all calm down now.
*Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as Szayel proceeds to eat all his Fraccion in frustration while the authorities stop Mayuri from attacking Ulquiorra with a syringe, screaming 'I'LL SUCK OUT YOUR HORMONES!!'*
Isshin: Good luck with thatUlquiorra has the sex drive of a plank.
Ulquiorra: I'll make sure you eat those badly-chosen words later.
Isshin: O.O;; Right...
Ulquiorra: And lastlyUlquiorra Shiffer. Followers: Ichigo Kurosaki, Yachiru Kusajishi, Renji Abarai and Ikkaku Madarame.
Isshin: 'Strawberries Are Cool' Party. Policies: compulsory serving of strawberries at dessert, the creation of Coliseum 2, Kenpachi being appointed head of the Gotei 13 and the Kitty Club, and finally the free serving of crack during lunch hours to get you through the day.
Ulquiorra: 16, 472 votes.
*a loud cheer*
Isshin: WIPEOUT!! Now it's all over, with Ulquiorra's party winning by a landslide! Ah, here comes the lucky man himselfMr Shiffer, congratulations on your success! Now, to consult the man who is the very centre of the proceedingsthe voter himself *Consults a piece of paper* And his name is...
Isshin: ... 'Ulquiorra Shiffer'. Mr Shiffer, you are the only voter in this event.
Isshin: How long have you lived in the Soul Society?
Ulquiorra: Since last night.
Isshin: One man, 16,472 votes...slightly odd, don't you think?
Ulquiorra: Nope. You see, the amount of votes I cast for myself emulates the passion I feel for my own policies.
Isshin: I see. Well, okie dokiethis marks the end of the Soul Society By-election. I've been Isshin Kurosaki, and now I'm going to be the crazy guy getting his face in Rangiku's cleavage! Later!
Scene 2: Ulquiorra Confronts Grimmjow.
Ulquiorra: Give the girl to me.
Grimmjow: GO F*CK YOURSELF!
Ulquiorra: Do you want me to confiscate your yarn ball again?
Grimmjow: *thows himself at Ulquiorra's knees crying* NO! PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOT MY YARN BABY!!
Ulquiorra: *pets him, smirking* There's a good kitty.
Scene 3: Aizen makes another announcement.
Aizen: OMG GREAT NEWS EVERYONE!!
Espada: You've got over your addiction to crack?
Aizen: NO!! WE'VE GOT THE TEA BACK!!
*more rainbows and unicorns looking suspiciously like a traumatised Gin and Tousen explode from behind him as a choir of heavenly angels sound*
*The Espada stare, dumbstruck.*
Espada: *deadpan* Oh yay. We missed it so much.
Aizen: *oblivious to the total lack of enthusiasm* I KNOW, RIGHT?! ULQUIORRA, AREN'T YOU A HAPPY CLOWN? YOU ARE, AREN'T YOU?
Ulquiorra: *deadpan* Oh yes. I am ecstatic. You can tell, can't you?
Aizen: HELL YEAH! *twirls as the Espada watch on in horror*
Ulquiorra: Aizen-sama, may I be excused once more for a moment?
Aizen: OF COURSE!!
Ulquiorra: Thank you, sir.
*He exits the room*
*A few minutes later, a cry of a man in absolute ecstasy is heard*
Ulquiorra: YEEEEEEEEES!!! GOD YES!!! THANK YOU GOD! I AM NOW CONVERTING TO RELIGION!! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!
Scene 4: Ulquiorra confronts a beaten Ichigo in Round 1of their epic battle: Well, it wasn't so much of a battle than a one-sided ass-whooping on Ulquiorra's part. Moving on...
THE REAL REASON WHY ULQUIORRA STABBED A HOLE IN ICHIGO'S CHEST:
Ulquiorra: Honestly, Kurosaki, did you really think your meagre abilities could defeat me?
Ichigo: Well, for a second there, yeah, I kinda did.
Ulquiorra: Silly berry. Did you also believe me to have no special powers?
Ichigo: Well, apart from having a face that makes people lose the will to live...no.
Ulquiorra: See you in Round Two, bitch.
Scene 5: Things the Espada would Never Say 2.
Nnoitra: I LOVE YOU, NELLIEL!! *glomps*
Grimmjow: Ichigo, before we start our battle...can you scratch me behind the ears? It's itching like hell.
Harribel: And remember kids, wearing a bra is a huge turn-off for men.
Szayel: I've applied for the Animal Welfare Association!
Nnoitra: Of course Tesla's my bitch! Haven't you seen the doujinshis?!
Ulquiorra: I have an announcement to make. I am getting married to a very special lady. Her name Is Tea, and together we will have little china cup babies and live in a saucer.
Staark: I'M RUNNIN' THE MARATHON!!
Barragan: And then my whole life flashed before my eyes...It was shit!
Scene 6: The Espada Discover Yaoi
*Szayel is laughing his fluffy pink ass off at 2 in the morning, prompting the Espada to come down and shut him up. Instead, they see the images on his screen that he is laughing at.*
Grimmjow: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! WHY AM I IN BED HAVING HARD BISHIE SEX WITH ULQUIORRA!!!??? OMG IT BURRRRRRRRNNS!!! *falls to the floor, clutching his face for no apparent reason like cheating footballers do.*
Ulquiorra:...Why am I always the Uke? I am much more impulsive than Grimmjow when it comes to sex.
Grimmjow: WHY DO YOU CARE?!!!
Ulquiorra: It's a simple observation.
Grimmjow: NO IT'S NOTIT'S HERESY AGAINST NATURE!!!
Ulquiorra: No need to be so upset, Grimmjow.
Grimmjow: I'M NOT UPSET!!
Ulquiorra: No need to be so defensive, either.
Grimmjow: ASJHDNFMNAAA!! *swoons and faints. Ulquiorra sighs and walks out of the room, dragging an unconscious Grimmjow behind him.*
Nnoitra: Jeez what're they gettin' so worked up for! Lemmie see! *shoves a howling Szayel out of the way. He stares*
Nnoitra: *calm* Szayel.
Nnoitra: Why is Tesla in bed with me?
Nnoitra: NO!!!! WHATEVER YOU'RE GONNA SAY, IT AIN'T TRUE!!! I AM 100% STRAIGHTTHUS I AM THE THINNEST GUY IN BLEACH!! ME + TESLA = BULLSHIT!!!
Szayel: Well, opposites do attract. Thus, the shipping.
Nnoitra: F*CK THE F*CKIN SHIPPING!!! AND F*CK OPPOSITES ATTRACT!! IT'S ALL WRONG!!! WRONG, I TELL YOU!! AAAH, GET IT AWAYYYY!!! ME AND TESLA ARE
Tesla: *randomly appearing* Getting married?
Nnoitra: YENO!!!!!!! GET OUT OR I WON'T BE NICE DURING SEX TONIGHT!
*He stops, and realises that he has just revealed his dark secret to the whole of Las Noches.*
Nnoitra: ...Meep. *he faints*
Tesla: *immensely happy* Oh dear, Nnoitra-sama has fallen unconscious...I must take him to my chambers and...take care of him...
*with a devious grin, Tesla drags an out-cold Nnoitra out of the room.*
Scene 7: Nnoitra vs Kenpachi.
Nnoitra: We'll see who has the best teeth to get on the Colgate (toothpaste) adverts. GRINNING FEST!!!
*they grin like full-blown rapists throughout their battle*
*Unexpectedly, at the end, with the resolve-boost of the fame he craved for, Nnoitra stands triumphant*
Nnoitra: My teeth owned your ass. Colgate is my bitch now.