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BLEACH GRIMMY by 001-1815

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July 12, 2011
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Scene 1:  Soul Society By-Election, featuring Espada and some other people.

Announcer (aka, Ichigo's dad, Isshin): Alright! Welcome to the Soul Society By-Election!—So far so good with the turn-out—I managed to get my son outta bed with only a brick to the crotch this time!

Ichigo (offscreen): MY KIDS ARE GONNA GET YOU FOR THAT!!

Isshin: Ha ha!...Kids! They're so funny.  *narrowly avoids being axed by an overly-large cleaver resembling Ichigo's Zampakuto* Ahem. On with the proceedings! We have five main contestants tonight, all groups headed by a member of the Espada. Well, the members who aren't confirmed dead or in rehab. Oh, here come some of the candidates now.

*Ichigo walks up beside Isshin, still annoyed about the crotch-incident.*

Isshin: Oh, hey son! You're part of the 'Strawberries Are Cool' Party, aren't you?

Ichigo: Yeah. Starting to regret letting Yachiru choose the party name.

Isshin: Any comments on how you're gonna win the campaign?

Ichigo: Well, we decided to fight using local issues not personalities.

Isshin: And why's that?

Ichigo: Because our leader doesn't have a personality.

Isshin: Who's your leader?

Ichigo: Ulquiorra.

Isshin: Ah. Oh dear. Right. Carry on, then.

*Szayel shoves between them, very angry*

Isshin: Oh, good evening, Szayel.

Szayel: SHOVE YOUR DAMN 'GOOD EVENING' UP YOUR BARELY-PROBED ANUS! I DEMAND ALL OF YOU VOTE FOR ME OR YOUR FAMILIES GO TO ANIMAL EXPERIMENTATION!!

*there is an awkward pause*

Isshin: Right. Thank you, now please sod off. Your face is scaring the children. I can't see them but I'm pretty sure it is.

Szayel: *walks off, muttering, while Ichigo and Isshin watch him silently* Your testicles will be mine...

Ichigo: Guy must've heard he's not getting any votes.

Isshin: No kidding. Now, everyone must stand on the podium while we read the final votes and announce the winner of the Soul Society by-election.

*Ichigo goes to join his party 'Strawberries Are Cool', with his leader, the strangely triumphant-looking Ulquiorra, Yachiru (nomming on Ikkaku's head), Ikkaku (pissed off) and Renji. Other parties gather around as well. Ulquiorra approaches the microphone with a sheet of paper revealing the results of the votes.*

Ulquiorra: As acting returning officer for Society Society...

Isshin: *quietly to the audience* We're all very grateful that Ulquiorra stepped in at the last second when the previous returning officer accidently and brutally stabbed a hole in his chest a few days ago.

Ulquiorra: I will now announce the number of votes cast as follows: Grimmjow Jaguerjaques. Followers: His Fraccion whose names I'm too lazy to read out.

Isshin: 'Badassery Incarnate Party'. Policies: the extermination of dogs, compulsory serving of cat-biscuits at tea-time, and two-minute working hours for all.

Ulquiorra: No votes.

*Grimmjow roars in anger and proceeds to rip the head off a nearby Dachshund named Colin. His followers—his own Fraccion since no one else wanted to be near the guy when he lost—rampage out the door while stocking up on booze on the way.*

Ulquiorra: *completely unfazed* Nnoitra Jiruga. Follower: Tesla Lidocruz.

Isshin: 'Spoons Can Go F*ck Themselves' Party. Policies: abolition of all spoons in the cutlery range, extermination of goats, creation of Men United club striving for men's rights over women, and Thrash Metal festivals taking place every few days.

Ulquiorra: No votes.

Isshin: Well, we all saw that coming.

*Nnoitra lunges at Ulquiorra, only to get a mic in the face and blind the other eye—Tesla, his only follower, helps him out of the hall.*

Ulquiorra: *once again, unfazed* Tia Harribel. Followers: Rukia Kuchiki, Orihime Inoue, Mutsumoto Rangiku, and Shunsui Kyōraku.


Isshin: 'Big Boobs FTW' Party. Policies: Free boob jobs for the flat-chested, rights for all, strawberry festivals (no prizes for guessing who made that one up), art-clubs taught by Rukia Kuchiki, and pet stores that only house cute things.

Ulquiorra: No votes.

*Rukia grabs the fallen mic and screams: 'YOU'RE ALL BUNNY-HATERS!' before running off to comfort a distraught Orihime with Harribel.*

Ulquiorra: *sighing* Szayel Appollo Granz. Followers: His Fraccion, Mayuri and Nemu.

Isshin: 'Death To Non-Believers (in science)' Party. Policies: Testicle amputation to benefit the masses, experimentation on whatever baby we see pop out first, poison candy for kiddies, and mutants for pets.

Ulquiorra: No votes. You can all calm down now.

*Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as Szayel proceeds to eat all his Fraccion in frustration while the authorities stop Mayuri from attacking Ulquiorra with a syringe, screaming 'I'LL SUCK OUT YOUR HORMONES!!'*

Isshin: Good luck with that—Ulquiorra has the sex drive of a plank.

Ulquiorra: I'll make sure you eat those badly-chosen words later.

Isshin: O.O;; Right...

Ulquiorra: And lastly—Ulquiorra Shiffer. Followers: Ichigo Kurosaki, Yachiru Kusajishi, Renji Abarai and Ikkaku Madarame.

Isshin: 'Strawberries Are Cool' Party. Policies: compulsory serving of strawberries at dessert, the creation of Coliseum 2, Kenpachi being appointed head of the Gotei 13 and the Kitty Club, and finally the free serving of crack during lunch hours to get you through the day.

Ulquiorra: 16, 472 votes.

*a loud cheer*

Isshin: WIPEOUT!! Now it's all over, with Ulquiorra's party winning by a landslide! Ah, here comes the lucky man himself—Mr Shiffer, congratulations on your success! Now, to consult the man who is the very centre of the proceedings—the voter himself  *Consults a piece of paper* And his name is...

*pause*

Isshin: ... 'Ulquiorra Shiffer'. Mr Shiffer, you are the only voter in this event.

Ulquiorra: Correct.

Isshin: How long have you lived in the Soul Society?

Ulquiorra: Since last night.

Isshin: One man, 16,472 votes...slightly odd, don't you think?

Ulquiorra: Nope. You see, the amount of votes I cast for myself emulates the passion I feel for my own policies.

Isshin: I see. Well, okie dokie—this marks the end of the Soul Society By-election. I've been Isshin Kurosaki, and now I'm going to be the crazy guy getting his face in Rangiku's cleavage! Later!



Scene 2: Ulquiorra Confronts Grimmjow.


Ulquiorra: Give the girl to me.

Grimmjow: GO F*CK YOURSELF!

Ulquiorra: Do you want me to confiscate your yarn ball again?

Grimmjow: *thows himself at Ulquiorra's knees crying* NO! PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOT MY YARN BABY!!

Ulquiorra: *pets him, smirking* There's a good kitty.


Scene 3: Aizen makes another announcement.

Aizen: OMG GREAT NEWS EVERYONE!!

Espada: You've got over your addiction to crack?

Aizen: NO!! WE'VE GOT THE TEA BACK!!

*more rainbows and unicorns looking suspiciously like a traumatised Gin and Tousen explode from behind him as a choir of heavenly angels sound*

*The Espada stare, dumbstruck.*

Espada: *deadpan* Oh yay. We missed it so much.

Aizen: *oblivious to the total lack of enthusiasm* I KNOW, RIGHT?! ULQUIORRA, AREN'T YOU A HAPPY CLOWN? YOU ARE, AREN'T YOU?

Ulquiorra: *deadpan* Oh yes. I am ecstatic. You can tell, can't you?

Aizen: HELL YEAH! *twirls as the Espada watch on in horror*

Ulquiorra: Aizen-sama, may I be excused once more for a moment?

Aizen: OF COURSE!!

Ulquiorra: Thank you, sir.

*He exits the room*


*A few minutes later, a cry of a man in absolute ecstasy is heard*

Ulquiorra: YEEEEEEEEES!!! GOD YES!!! THANK YOU GOD! I AM NOW CONVERTING TO RELIGION!! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!


Scene 4: Ulquiorra confronts a beaten Ichigo in Round 1of their epic battle: Well, it wasn't so much of a battle than a one-sided ass-whooping on Ulquiorra's part. Moving on...

THE REAL REASON WHY ULQUIORRA STABBED A HOLE IN ICHIGO'S CHEST:

Ulquiorra: Honestly, Kurosaki, did you really think your meagre abilities could defeat me?

Ichigo: Well, for a second there, yeah, I kinda did.

Ulquiorra: Silly berry. Did you also believe me to have no special powers?

Ichigo: Well, apart from having a face that makes people lose the will to live...no.

Ulquiorra:...I see.

*stabs Ichigo*

Ulquiorra: See you in Round Two, bitch.


Scene 5: Things the Espada would Never Say 2.

Nnoitra: I LOVE YOU, NELLIEL!! *glomps*

Grimmjow: Ichigo, before we start our battle...can you scratch me behind the ears? It's itching like hell.

Harribel: And remember kids, wearing a bra is a huge turn-off for men.

Szayel: I've applied for the Animal Welfare Association!

Nnoitra: Of course Tesla's my bitch! Haven't you seen the doujinshis?!

Ulquiorra: I have an announcement to make. I am getting married to a very special lady. Her name Is Tea, and together we will have little china cup babies and live in a saucer.

Staark: I'M RUNNIN' THE MARATHON!!

Barragan: And then my whole life flashed before my eyes...It was shit!


Scene 6: The Espada Discover Yaoi

*Szayel is laughing his fluffy pink ass off at 2 in the morning, prompting the Espada to come down and shut him up. Instead, they see the images on his screen that he is laughing at.*

Grimmjow: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! WHY AM I IN BED HAVING HARD BISHIE SEX WITH ULQUIORRA!!!??? OMG IT BURRRRRRRRNNS!!! *falls to the floor, clutching his face for no apparent reason like cheating footballers do.*

Ulquiorra:...Why am I always the Uke? I am much more impulsive than Grimmjow when it comes to sex.

Grimmjow: WHY DO YOU CARE?!!!

Ulquiorra: It's a simple observation.

Grimmjow: NO IT'S NOT—IT'S HERESY AGAINST NATURE!!!

Ulquiorra: No need to be so upset, Grimmjow.

Grimmjow: I'M NOT UPSET!!

Ulquiorra: No need to be so defensive, either.

Grimmjow: ASJHDNFMNAAA!! *swoons and faints. Ulquiorra sighs and walks out of the room, dragging an unconscious Grimmjow behind him.*

Nnoitra: Jeez what're they gettin' so worked up for! Lemmie see! *shoves a howling Szayel out of the way. He stares*

Nnoitra: *calm* Szayel.

Szayel: Yah?

Nnoitra: Why is Tesla in bed with me?

Szayel: Because—

Nnoitra: NO!!!! WHATEVER YOU'RE GONNA SAY, IT AIN'T TRUE!!! I AM 100% STRAIGHT—THUS I AM THE THINNEST GUY IN BLEACH!! ME + TESLA = BULLSHIT!!!

Szayel: Well, opposites do attract. Thus, the shipping.

Nnoitra: F*CK THE F*CKIN SHIPPING!!! AND F*CK OPPOSITES ATTRACT!! IT'S ALL WRONG!!! WRONG, I TELL YOU!! AAAH, GET IT AWAYYYY!!! ME AND TESLA ARE—

Tesla: *randomly appearing* Getting married?

Nnoitra: YE—NO!!!!!!! GET OUT OR I WON'T BE NICE DURING SEX TONIGHT!

*He stops, and realises that he has just revealed his dark secret to the whole of Las Noches.*

Nnoitra: ...Meep. *he faints*

Tesla: *immensely happy* Oh dear, Nnoitra-sama has fallen unconscious...I must take him to my chambers and...take care of him...

*with a devious grin, Tesla drags an out-cold Nnoitra out of the room.*


Scene 7: Nnoitra vs Kenpachi.

Nnoitra: We'll see who has the best teeth to get on the Colgate (toothpaste) adverts. GRINNING FEST!!!

*they grin like full-blown rapists throughout their battle*

*Unexpectedly, at the end, with the resolve-boost of the fame he craved for, Nnoitra stands triumphant*

Nnoitra: My teeth owned your ass. Colgate is my bitch now.
All characters above belong to Tite Kubo :D
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmaia61:
Maia61 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2011
lol 'we decided to fight using local issues not personalities.' "And why's that?" 'Because our leader doesn't have a personality.' "Who's your leader?" 'Ulquiorra.'

Name says it all
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2011  Student Writer
Indeed it does! Glad you like it! :D
Reply
:iconmaia61:
Maia61 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2011
its awsm
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011  Student Writer
Thank you! :huggle:
Reply
:iconmaia61:
Maia61 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011
no problem =D
Reply
:iconnezquick1964:
Nezquick1964 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011
"Ulquiorra: No need to be so upset, Grimmjow.

Grimmjow: I'M NOT UPSET!!

Ulquiorra: No need to be so defensive, either."

Do I smell a DN reference? Or is that just me?
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2011  Student Writer
It is indeed a DN reference! XD Ulqui can't help but bring the L comparison on himself XD I'm glad someone noticed that! Thank you! :huggle:
Reply
:iconnezquick1964:
Nezquick1964 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011
Yay I got it xD
I only noticed it because I spend my life on the internet. :I
lol
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011  Student Writer
lol, cool :D
Reply
:iconshaman-dancingwolf:
shaman-dancingwolf Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2011
scene 5! :heart:
Reply
:iconblack-richa:
Black-Richa Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2011
Two-minute working hours :nod: Go Grimmjow :boogie:
Harribel's ideas are nice too, I like most of them :thumbsup:
Kenny as leader?! CRACK?!?! FUCK YEAH!!! :iconspartaplz:

Scene 2 is EPIC :iconnelsonplz:
Scene 6= :lmao: :rofl: :clap: :worship:
and the final showdown between Kenny and Spoony -- COLGATE!!
:icongreatjobplz: :iconranranruuplz:
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2011  Student Writer
Thank you so much!! :love:
Reply
:iconblack-richa:
Black-Richa Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2011
You're welcome :nod:
Reply
:iconpedrothepie:
PedroThePie Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Ichigo: Well, apart from having a face that makes people lose the will to live...no.
LOL how true!! I love reading these!!
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2011  Student Writer
:lmao: Thank you!! :hug:
Reply
:icontheyfile:
theYfile Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011
:lmao: XD OMFG scene 6 was ... just pricless XD


urm so... why did ulqiurra take grimmjow :iconpedobearrapefaceplz:
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011  Student Writer
giThank you!! :heart:

Aw, c'mon, I think we both know where Ulqui took Grimmjow...X]
Reply
:icontheyfile:
theYfile Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2011
maybe to .....the candy mountain :XD:
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2011  Student Writer
:rofl: XD Candy=yaoi in Bleach XD
Reply
:iconmagnolia-belle:
Magnolia-Belle Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011
aaahh the colgate was funny!! and i see more influence from blackadder :D i had a laughing fit during that just because i could see ulquiorra as blackadder so much!!
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011  Student Writer
Thank you! So could I! XD
Reply
:iconkujafangirl2:
kujafangirl2 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Kari: :wow: :rofl::lmao: OMG I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! YOU TOO, FROSTY, YOU GENIUS! XD
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Writer
:lmao: Thank you!! :love:
Reply
:iconkujafangirl2:
kujafangirl2 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Kari: :rofl::lmao: CHAAE, YA READIN' THIS??? :lol:
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Writer
Chaae: *can't answer because she's laughing so much*
Reply
:iconkujafangirl2:
kujafangirl2 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Kari: *joins in* SOMEBODY HELP!!! :rofl::lmao:
Haku: *comes in and plays Treasure Planet OST*
Kari: :phew:
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Writer
Chaae: :rofl:
Reply
:iconkujafangirl2:
kujafangirl2 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Kari: Chaae...? :? You okay? I thought the music cured you...
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Writer
Chaae: Nah--I'm still laughing!! XD
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconfishybusiness54:
fishybusiness54 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011
Stark: "I'M GONNA RUN THE MARATHON!!!!!"
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! :rofl:
Oh my gosh, I didn't the Espada Parodies could get any funnier. I'm so happy to have been proven wrong :D
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Writer
Aww, thank you!! :heart:
Reply
:iconanimestruck:
animestruck Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Hobbyist
haha :iconhurrplz: why did ulquiorra drag grimmjow outta room huuuuuu?? :iconhurr2plz: JUST SAY IT! :iconhurrhurrplz:
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Writer
:rofl: Hard bishie sex, of course!! XD
Reply
:iconanimestruck:
animestruck Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Hobbyist
exactly what i thought xD
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011  Student Writer
:lol:
Reply
:iconsenbonzakura77:
Senbonzakura77 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! :iconmonkeylaughplz :Ulquiorra: I'll make sure you eat those badly-chosen words later. Aha all of these scenes made me laugh like a lunatic!!!!!! God I am so illustrating all these xD
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Student Writer
Aw, thsnk you!! And OMG THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME, THANK YOUUU!! :love:
Reply
:iconsenbonzakura77:
Senbonzakura77 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
No thank you, because of you I was happy before entering eternal depression TTATT Yeah, I'll start on it in the holidays :D
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Student Writer
Oh dear...and oh cool, thank you! :D
Reply
:iconsenbonzakura77:
Senbonzakura77 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Not even going to ask? HIDOI!!!!!!!!!!! >.< Hey no prob :D
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Writer
How come you were depressed btw? O.O;
Reply
:iconsenbonzakura77:
Senbonzakura77 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
No need to worry >.>
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Writer
Whatever it is, I hope you feel better soon :huggle:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student Writer
XD
Reply
:iconsenbonzakura77:
Senbonzakura77 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:D
Reply
:iconxxxchibixkittyxxx:
xXxchibixkittyxXx Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011
"Ulquiorra: I have an announcement to make. I am getting married to a very special lady. Her name Is Tea, and together we will have little china cup babies and live in a saucer.":rofl: i totally see him saying that XD little china tea cup babies,amazing XDDD :iconclappingplz:
Reply
:iconsenbonzakura77:
Senbonzakura77 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH i totally agree xD
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Student Writer
Thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconxxxchibixkittyxxx:
xXxchibixkittyxXx Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011
...me gots a idea 8D...is it ok if i make a story about his marriage:meow:?
Reply
:iconfrostysnowman94:
frostysnowman94 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Student Writer
Sure!! XD
Reply
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