Envy's Letters: Envy XD

Dear Envy:

...You have _no_ idea how weird that freaking sounds. I mean, let's face it, it's not every day you're talking to another version of yourself. Seriously, it's weird. Anyway, onto the point of this- I realize, having read your story, that you've been through a fair amount of crap (as have I- and you'll excuse my language), but how in the heck are you so _civil_?! And killing only _one_ person? That's a feat my friend. Then again, you never had to deal with Dante- the evil, psychotic, egotistical, self-cantered, tyrannical wi-... Yeah, stopping right there before I say something you probably don't want your chibi hearing or reading.

Speaking of which, that's another thing: you have a chibi with you, and right now you say you're residing with the Fullmetal Pipsqueak that I know and enjoy tormenting the hell out of. Here's a question: Do you ever get the feeling that you're looking at older and younger versions of the same person? Or do they strike you as different enough that there's no confusion between Ed versus Edward? (Assuming you've chosen to differentiate them that way. That's the most sensible way that occurs to me, unless you resort to my standbys- Pipsqueak and Mini-Chibi.) Also, do you ever run into the entertaining situation of saying 'Ed' or 'Edward' and have them both react? Quite frankly the idea strikes me as a dumbly entertaining one- the sort that would prompt a giggle-fit if you were sleep-deprived for several days. Yes, that's from personal experience.

Here's another thing that caught my attention: throughout the entire time you were trapped your free will didn't seem limited (I'll explain in a moment), and you were that worm... ish.. thing. Yeah, as I'm certain you can guess, I never had that form. Then again I'm 'technically' related to the Runt you're rooming with. Long story. Anyway, what I meant by your free-will not being limited is this: when I was brought back from the dead my 'mother' (the evil syphilitic cow), Dante, alchemically imposed her will on me, thereby making it impossible for me to ever defy a direct order from her- which quite thoroughly sucked. There are some things I _still_ can't do (or say) no matter how much I want to simply because she's not dead yet. You on the other hand don't seem to have that problem. Granted, you've got that pretty nasty fear of the dark (which I quite thoroughly understand as that's the same way I am about being confined), but you never seem to have any instances of fighting your own body to do something you want. I've got to ask, what's it like? I've been dealing with my situation for over 400 years, so it's kind of hard to remember _not_ having to deal with it.

Then there's being the worm-thing. I've never been like that, I don't think I ever want to know what it's like being that, but having gone through that what made you so willing to be civil to your chibi? Were I in that situation I would have had _no_ patience for _anyone_, especially if they were going to free me but were waffling on actually going through with it. Then again I've never had a time where I couldn't shape-shift (well, aside from before I died), so I probably wouldn't have had as little hope. Except for when Dante has used my immobilization points against me. Not fun. I _very strongly_ recommend never letting anyone use those against you. It's worse than being in the dark or being confined simply because your body _will not_ obey you and you're stuck at everyone's mercy. Briefly going back to an earlier point, do you have any idea why you weren't able to shape-shift before Edward transmuted you? That's been bugging me since, as I stated, I've been able to shape-shift since the moment I was brought back.

Another thing I've got to say: I sincerely hope that Edward's mother _did_ waste away if she didn't improve. As I'm sure you can guess, I have a rather strong amount of sympathy for the chibi in terms of having a 'disagreeable' mother. I hate mine. Plain and simple. I'm not too particularly fond of my father either, for which I all too easily sympathize with you, but I do have to admit that he was kinder than yours. My father at least didn't abandon me until after he'd destroyed the capitol of the country in trying to bring me back- and then he had a Victor Frankenstein moment and ran away because I looked like a monster at first. Bas- Right. Screening language for the sake of Edward's young ears. Sorry if I tend to resort to ranting and cursing a great deal; I'm afraid I've got an extreme rage-case against the majority of my 'family' (if they can even be called that) due to what Dante and Hohenheim did. I'm afraid that due to my father's actions I haven't exactly been fair to my brothers, the Pipsqueak (Ed) and the Kitten-Panzer (Al), but jealousy never makes us fair. It's just a fortunate thing for you that it hasn't led to an excess of blood on your hands. Hopefully you'll never have to deal with the sort of brutality I have.

Randomly (and I apologize for my topic-jumps), what is it like having a Philosopher's Stone as your core? My own existence and capacity to heal are dependent on a mediocre version of the Stone, red-stones as we've dubbed them; so as a result I do have to worry about my capacity to heal and shape-shift being depleted and ending up severely weakened if I don't have a plentiful supply. I've always wondered if there's any distinct difference between the mediocre and the actual, so if you're so willing I would like your thoughts on this. Like you, I'm something of an academic from time to time. It's a good way to pass the time when your existence spans centuries- so I'm certain you can understand my curiosity.

All of that aside, I suspect I could keep talking with you for hours, comparing notes over our lives, but I'm certain you don't have the time for it what with keeping a certain short-one out of trouble. That being said, I sincerely wish you all the best, and I hope you get the acceptance and freedom you so rightfully deserve. Oh yes, and watch out for the Pipsqueak's cooking- it's foul. In fact I recommend never letting him anywhere near the kitchen unless you want to deal with chiselling food off the ceiling.

Sincerely,
Envy
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Dear Envy

My, this…this is very, very odd. I'm not quite sure how to deal with this. I'm half inclined to call you a liar, but, seeing as you know my father and his 'profession' of an alchemist, if you could call it that, and as literally only myself, Edward and his immediate family and friends know, you must be the real thing. Seeing as you're an alternate version of myself from another universe, my mind begs the question as to how you were able to post this letter to me.

Regardless, you cannot imagine how overjoyed I am to know that there is a fellow homunculus out there, even if said homunculus comes from a separate universe. For the longest time I believed I was the only member of my species in the history of man, and as you can imagine, felt utterly isolated, separated from the dominant human race as an abomination and with no hope of being able to share my suffering with another of my kind. I wonder, are homunculi accepted in your world? Or are they, like me, banished to the shadows, to hide away undetected? You implied that there are more of you…

More kindred! Hurrah! Take THAT Hohenheim, you son of a bitch!!

Apologies, Edward, I just couldn't help myself. I've just flushed all your (other me's) restraint down the toilet, haven't I? Apologies to you to.

(Imagine a black-haired, black-clothed version of yourself pumping its fist in the air in celebration and cheering, causing a very concerned Edward Green peeking over my shoulder to look at me as if I've finally gone well and truly over the deep end. That is the reaction to this news as I write this.)

On your remark that I am almost amazingly civil despite what I have endured—well, part of it is forced. Very forced. I do not like to give away spoilers, but the chapters following the one you have read up to (twelve,  if memory serves). The chapters ahead will show, I am not half as composed as I let on. In fact, I will drop the pretence now and write my feelings without restraint from now on. I feel I owe a fellow homunculus that much. I am only so polite because I want humans to see I am capable of living among them, that they do not need to fear me or treat me with suspicion. Only that way can I end my suffering at their hands and make sure of my happiness. Therefore killing or being even remotely hostile is dangerous—therefore I did everything in my power to repress my rage…and with, as you will find in the later chapters, dire consequences. I say 'did' because nowadays I am far less restrained—having no real reason to hold back anymore, and having released most of my anger and grief way back, and having friends around me to keep me in check—than I was when I was younger.

…My God, I sound like an old man, don't I?

Yes you do.

-Edward G.

Go to hell, Edward! You know how sensitive I am!

There, I smacked him, just like they did in the old days…

Oh God…It's my stupid advanced vocabulary making me sound older than I am. You're around two hundred years my senior, for heaven's sake! If anyone else was to read these letters they would immediately believe the reverse was true. I blame that man for teaching me upper-class decorum and necessary descriptive powers.

Changing the subject, as I'm sure I will several times, as you have: I am very glad I am not still living with a filthy, evil and tyrannical maniac. I say 'still', as I am referring to that disgusting fat ringmaster that kept me hostage for centuries. Believe me, I understand your pain more than any other breathing creature on this planet. I know the utter humiliation of bondage and to be trapped in a situation you have no power to control.

…Although I must ask, is their absolutely no way you cannot catch this Dante of guard and just kill her? If so, I would be more than happy to somehow find a way to visit you and help you do it. We can look for that bastard and tear him to pieces together while we're at it. I have been searching for him for years in this world, and not a trace. I wonder if he is in yours…

I appreciate your restraint—you are putting me to shame at this point. I cover up the nasty words so Edward cannot read them, so please don't feel that you have to hold back next time. I'd hate to feel I was keeping you from expressing yourself, as, believe me, I know the feeling of being restrained in that way, and that alone is enough to make one murderous.

This might surprise you, but there are actually quite a lot of differences (both physically and mentally) between the two Edwards. As a result, I have never truly felt that I am looking at an older and younger copy of the same individual. For one, my Edward has chocolate brown hair, and is much shorter, and his eyes are less gold and more amber. Plus, Edward's face in general is far more mature and quite aggressive, actually. His glares always seem to radiate killing intent as a result. Or maybe he genuinely wishes to kill someone, I'm not always sure. You seem to know Edward better than I do—would he kill someone given the chance and appropriate fit of rage, or would he stop himself just in time to take the moral high ground? I honestly don't quite know, since I have only been 'rooming' with the boy for a few months. Furthermore, their personalities are very different.  Pipsqueak (as I, incidentally, have been calling him for some time) is wild and violent and quite emotionally restrained, while my Edward is…quite the opposite, actually. Very immature, very much a cry-baby—

I AM NOT A CRYBABY!! AND I AM TOO MATURE!! WAY MORE THAN YOU, STUPID ENVY!

-Ed. G</i>

Goodness, I have seen the light! Your powerful, dignified statement has turned my opinions upside down…

…said Envy, sarcastically.

*some unintelligible scribbles*

Ugh…I have had to wrestle Edward away to stop him from messing up my work. Apologies, I couldn't help myself from having a little jab at his expense. In that way, the two Edwards are the same—very, very easily angered. Also, they're both kind souls and wouldn't harm a fly unless provoked (well, actually, I'm not so sure on Pipsqueak's part, but nonetheless…).

So yes, I can differentiate the two very easily. I have also indulged in the situation of calling 'Edward' and having them both react at the same time. It was mildly amusing at first, especially since they got so angry—not with me, mind you, but each other. They automatically launched into tirades over how they were completely different people and listing said differences—and more so because they both fell for it every time!  However, the act soon became like classical music nowadays—practically dead and tasteless, so I stopped.

I call Edward Elric 'Edwardus', the Latin equivalent of his name (because I can, even though it's somewhat lame), and 'Pipsqueak', or 'Little boy' when I'm teasing, and I call my Edward simply Ed, or Edward if I'm angry. Edward (Elric) in turn calls me 'Invidia'.

Count your lucky stars, my friend, that you never had to endure having the form that I was born with. I was as weak as a newborn (although, essentially, I was one at the time) and, trapped in a jar, had no power to escape. Any attempt was thwarted by alchemist guards watching my every move from the shadows—even suicide attempts were rendered completely useless. However, I do empathise with your situation (My offer to help you off the woman still stands, mind you). However, at least you had/have a great deal more freedom of speech and movement. I did not until Edward saved me, two hundred years later. That is not to belittle your suffering in any way, just to let you know that there is a small bright side, and plus I am more than willing to help rid you of her.

Indeed, having Hohenheim as my creator also means that I have some relation to your Edward as well. Needless to say, he did not take to this very well—not because he thought I was a terrible individual, but because, well, it's not every day that you discover an alchemised creature several hundred years older than yourself is now your half-brother. I wasn't pleased either—in fact, I was furious. Not with the two Elric brothers per se, they didn't ask to be born, no less than I did, but at that bastard who dared to find happiness by settling down with a nice family while I wallowed in misery deep underground with no hope of salvation. While I screamed in pain, he played with his children and acted as if none of it was happening!

…Anyway, then I discovered that he had abandoned them too. This made me all the more enraged. How DARE he inflict the same agony twice? During their tender years they believed they had a father who would love and protect them, only for him to…just like with me…

And now I hear that he did the same to you, mere moments after you were born…

I'm sorry, let me gather myself for a moment, I just…I know you don't want my pity but, thinking now of how you felt as I felt during that time with not even an instance of love that that man gave me, no matter how false it was, makes me just want to rip the son of a bitch's head off all the more. I…

Sorry, it's Edward Green here. Envy's just gone outside for a few moments. He's really, really upset. I haven't seen him like this in ages. He hates hearing about other people being neglected like he was, because all the memories come back and he understands, and he feels like it's all his fault because he wasn't there to save them or you, like I saved him at that time. It's irrational, but nothing I say can make him feel any differently. I think he wants to go to your world as soon as he can. Oh, he's coming back now… Envy, are you alright? You can take a break for longer, you know…OK, nevermind.

I am fine now. Thank you, Ed. Apologies, Envy (goodness, it's strange calling you by my own name). I'm sure you're thinking now 'what a wuss my other self is!'. Well, biologically (spoilers for the future chapters) and as part of my personality I am far more open with my emotions.  I hope you can understand that.

Getting back to things, on the subject of my free will once I gained my human (ish) form…while I did not have any tyrannical alchemist breathing down my neck and threatening me with harm, I had the invisible yet all too present threat of the inhuman alchemists who were intent on my capture. They followed me everywhere, so that no matter where I went, what I did, I would always fall right into the palm of their hands. They were always one step ahead, making certain that I was as powerless as I was when I was trapped in the flask. Everything I did was used against me. Just like when I was entombed in the darkness, they were always watching me—invisible, but nonetheless very, very present. The only thing that would, stop this from happening was to secure the protection and aid of trusted alchemists (spoilers) and the trust of the humans, so I was just as restricted in terms of choices. And plus my fear of the dark pales in comparison to another far more all-consuming fear I possess…something I have not told even Edward about (I've sent Edward out of the room for a few moments so he can't read this fact). I cannot even bring myself to tell you about it, with all due respect…(also due to spoilers). It was this fear that made it so difficult to take risks, and why I spent most of my time on earth running and not fighting. My body count would have been far more impressive otherwise, I can tell you that much. And those bastards knew it, too…

'What's it like'? Well, having endured it for half your lifetime, I can't be sure it is to as great an extent as you. However, while I was in the flask, time stagnated, and it honestly felt like thousands upon thousands of eons of pure hell. Nothing but jeers, shrieks and darkness. While I was a circus attraction I endured hundreds of leering faces mocking my form and pointing out just how hideous and primitive I looked…

Nowadays, though, I am very lucky to say I do not have to endure such agony—aside from having to disguise myself constantly when in public. I feel as if I am still hiding away in the shadows, with no one acknowledging me for what I am, isolated from the world at large as I always have bee. And then there is the fear that I will not elaborate on constantly lurking in the back of my mind, waiting for darkness to fall…

Care to take a guess at what it is?

Regarding by civility, I believe I have explained at the start of my letter. I needed to be in order to survive amongst humans as I intended. However, because of this, when I did go over the edge…

Goodness, I never knew our immobilisation points were so deadly…although having your very core (the philosophers stone) tampered with takes quite a beating. It is literally like having your very heart, or any other vital organ, crushed and ripped out.

My shape-shifting abilities manifested only in my human form due to the simple fact that my original form had no place for it. For instance, a human infant cannot walk the moment it is born because it is physically impossible—I, thus, remained in my infant form during my time in the flask and thus could not utilise my abilities. The only thing I can do in that feotal form is possess others' bodies by biting them, and, given the circumstances, that was not happening. I hope that clears up the confusion.

I can safely say without restraint for spoilers that Edward's mother did, in fact, waste her remaining days drowning in alcohol consumption. The old hag deserved it, but I would never say this to Edward's face. I will tell him that you sympathise later, and I can say that I also do the same.  And actually, he was just as much of a bastard to me. His kindness was forced, a sham, if you will. I was created to serve his purpose, the kindness he showed me was tied to my usefulness—once he realised I was not useful to him, he abandoned me to the hands of those filthy demon alchemists to use for their own disgusting ends. He thought I was ugly all along, and said so right before he left, and used it to justify his abandoning me. I believe we are even.

I understand. The only reason I refrained from hating the brothers is because I knew they were as much victims of Hohenheim's shameless enterprise across the length and breadth of our worlds as I was. They did not ask to be born to a monster of a man who up and left his two children with absolutely nothing to place his superficial accusing finger on (i.e: ugliness), along with his wife.  I personally directed my rage at my—sorry, our —creator for having the gall to even think to try his hand at happiness at my expense while at the same time repeating the same process of abandonment and grief as he did hundreds of years ago. That, to me, makes him a far more worthy target for my wrath. And I intend not to let it go to waste.

However, I do understand where you are coming from. Those boys must, to you, represent the life you could have had with him. But they did not have a life with him. Nor was it a happy one. He ignored them for the sake of his research, he was barely around them at all. He may well not have been there at all for all the good he did them. In the end, even normal human children could not satisfy him, and so he left. Therefore, I must say that it would be far more beneficial and logical for you to direct your rage and hurt at the lying bastard who dared add insult to injury by having biological children of his own.

…I WILL kill him one day, I swear it…

And believe me, I have blood on my hands too. I have descended to the level of a beast in my time, and only Ed has prevented me from losing myself completely. I am grateful for his presence, and sorry that you did not have someone like him to ease your pain.

On the subject of having the Philosopher's Stone as your core…

It feels terrible, really. It's more secure in that I don't have to worry about it suddenly malfunctioning on you because it is faulty , but because it's the genuine article I have the trouble of being constantly hounded by greedy psychopaths intent on taking it for themselves. Furthermore, and I'm not sure if yours causes the same side-effect, but I can hear the screams and cries of the trapped souls within my core. Hundreds of them. Whenever I close my eyes, I can hear them…

However, stone has limits, as yours does, and too much damage reverts me to my ugly original form, something I never, EVER, want to suffer again.

Other than that, it is…well, the same as yours, I suppose. It is very interesting to see how ours are different and also the same in varying respects. Very interesting indeed.

I understand completely—I'm very much a bookworm, as they say. When I have spare time, I read factual books and educate myself as much as I can of the history I have missed during my time in the flask and escaping my pursuers, as well as modern technology. I tell you, it was all I could do to manage a computer properly. I guess I'm just an old fart after all!

I cannot properly express the depths of my gratitude to you, my fellow homunculus—my (older) half-brother, for giving your best wishes to me. I sincerely hope we keep in touch, and that I can meet you someday. I also hope that one day the pain will ease from your heart, and you can live your life as you have always dreamed of, as free as I myself wish to become.

Wishing you all the fulfilment and happiness this world can offer,

Envy

P.S: I made the mistake of allowing Edward to cook for me. Within five minutes the entire kitchen had exploded, blowing Pipsqueak several feet into the air, and landing in a pile of cow manure near the house. I swear I busted a lung from laughing. I'm so glad I had a camera on me. Filmed the whole thing and put it on the internet—Youtube, I believe the site was called. I highly recommend watching it. Edward knows nothing of it…

…Yet.