Letters to England- California 1

Dear England~,

Hey there~! I'm Misty, Misty June Jones. I represent California, I was wondering what you thought of your brother Sealand. I mean, he IS a country too. But, he is a bit small. Well~ write back soon Bushy Brows~!

Sincerely,
California~!

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California,

Well, hello there, this is a pleasant surprise. I didn't expect a letter from you (no particular reason why, I just didn't expect it). I've heard much of you—-that being your beauty, air-headedness, and general shenanigans involving fast cars and beach-balls. I'm not trying to insult you, this is genuinely what I've heard. Feel free to prove me wrong.

Concerning Sealand—the ultimate Troll Nation: I hate the little bugger! Constantly, constantly at my heels and begging to be recognised. THE BOY IS A DAMNED STEEL SEA FORT THAT'S ONLY 550 METRES ACROSS!! He doesn't trade, he doesn't have a culture, an official populous of more than four people, and nothing of worthy recognition whatsoever! Why the hell would we recognise something like that? If we did that, we'd have to recognise any other random object of no worth as well! Like that ball-shaped house-thing Kugel-fucking-mugel in Austria! And all the other non-entities that plague the earth! It's not happening, not in a million years! No established country with any sliver of pride and dignity would ever bow to their childish and insulting demands! Sorry, that's the way it is!

And how dare you call me that, you dumb blonde! I'm bloody England—you're just a sun-fuelled tart! There, I said it!!

England, your better.

P.S: Oh God, I'm sorry, I've written a load of shite and ranted the entire letter...I've just been so irritable lately—what with your Uncle America doing his damndest to be difficult and general pain in the arse and a horny Frenchman stalking my grounds all hour God sends so I can barely breathe without him seeing me...And I can't scrap this letter because I've run out of bloody paper and it would take me ages to get more, since it's night-time now and all the shops selling them in my area close for the weekend (starting tomorrow). I don't want to keep you waiting any longer, so...Sorry, kiddo.

Apologetically,

England, a very pompous twat.