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Literature Text
Scene 1: Ulquiorra vs Ichigo (round 2)
Ulqui: *draws his sword, with a demonic voice* BACK OFF, BITCH, SHE'S MINE!!
Ichigo: Seriously, dude, ever heard of happy pills?
Ulqui: No, but I've heard of weed. Now that's one hell of a drug. I would know.
Ichigo: Looks like it had the emo effect on ya.
Ulqui: No shit, Sherlock.
Scene 2: Ulqui visits Orihime.
Ulqui: *dramatically* I AM MAKING MY GRAND ENTRANCE! BEHOLD MY SEXY GOODNESS! LOOK AT IT!! LOOK AT IIIIITT!!! YOU LIKE IT, DON'T YOU? YEAH, DAMN RIGHT! Guess what—YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!! HA!!!
Orihime: O.O;...I miss the zombie Ulqui...
Scene 3: Nnoitra talks to Ulqui (again).
Ulqui: Dude, seriously, don't you have anything better to do with your time?
Nnoitra: No. Why the hell else would I be wasting it talking to you?
Ulqui:...Dick.
Nnoitra: Thank you!
Scene 4: Mayuri vs Szayel.
Mayuri:...and the pain will last you a thousand years even though in reality it only takes up about one second of our worthless lives! Enjoy!
Szayel: *for a thousand years* FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....
Scene 5: Grimmjow appears as Orihime is being beaten up by two Arrancar girls with an Aizen fetish.
Grimmjow: Yo, bitches, how's yer sex life? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot—YA DON'T HAVE ONE CUZ YER TWO UNLIKABLE BITCHES!
Loli+Menoly: OMG WE'RE SO WEAK AND INAFFECTUAL BUT WE'RE GONNA ATTACK YOU ANYWAYZ, HAA!! *they attack*
Grimmjow: *ceros them both*
*Dramatic silence*
Grimmjow: Bleach has no room for hoes.
Scene 6: Aizen finally hauls his toffee ass to the Espada meeting.
Aizen:*all happy and chibi as rainbows and unicorns looking suspiciously like Gin and Tousen explode in a shower of love hearts behind him* HI GAIZ!!!
Espada: O.O; Holy shit, he's been at the weed big time...
Aizen:*in the same happy voice* IMMA GONNA SING YOU THE 'HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY' SONG!! EVERYONE SING ALONG OR I RIP OUT YOUR TONGUES AND FEED IT TO YOUZ! YAAAY! *twirls*
Espada: Kill us now. Please. Someone.
Aizen: SING!!!!
*they sing*
Narrator: Having been forced to recite the infamous 'Happy Happy Joy Joy' song about a hundred times over, all members of the Espada were mentally traumatised for the rest of their miserable lives. The End ^^.
Scene 7: Zommari vs Byakuya—Yo Momma.
Zommari: Yo momma's so ugleh that when she went to the butchers and asked for shit meat they cut off her head!
Byakuya: Your mother is so ugly that when my mother met your mother my mother asked: 'Who's dog is this?'
Zommari: *gasp* OH NO YOU DI'INT!
Byakuya: Oh yes I did.
Zommari: Oh NO you DI'INT!!!
Byakuya: Yes. I did.
Zommari: OH NO—
Byakuya: YES I F*CKIN DID MUTHERF*CKER SHIT DAYAAAM WHAT WRONG WITCHOO?!!!
*silence*
Byakuya: *falls to his knees in shame* Oh my God...WHAT HAVE I BECOME?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Scene 8: Barragan enters the battle with the Shinigami.
Barragan: *wakes up* Hm? Wha? Where am I? Who are you people?! PUDDING!!! NACHOES!! PORN!! F*CK MEXICO!!!!
Barragan's Fraccion:...Seriously, what were we thinking when we chose him to be our leader?
Scene 9: Harribel vs Hitsugaya.
Harribel: Hey there, wanna see my tits?
Hitsugaya: Uh, no, that's not—
Harribel: Aw, c'mon, don't be such a wet snowflake!
Hitsugaya: ...>_<
Harribel: They're big, y'know!
Hitsugaya: ....How big?
Momo: *smacks him* CHEATER!!!
Hitsugaya: WTF, WE WEREN'T EVEN DATING!
Momo: Well according to the fanbase we were!! *attacks him*
Hitsugaya: SAVE ME BOOB LADY!! SAVE ME WITH YOUR CLEAVAGE!! AAAAAHHH!!!!
Harribel: *watching* Heh. Even the coldest of men are suckers for huge Gazongas.
Scene 10: Ulqui Kidnaps Orihime.
Ulqui: *deadpan* Hey there. Check out my Dramatic Entrance Number One. *does a victory motion with his hands*. Go me. Go me. It's my birthday.
Orihime: *to the two Shinigami guides* OMG I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO OR IF YOU BOTH GET KILLED JUST DON'T LET HIM TAKE ME!!!
Szayel, one hundred years later.
Szayel:UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-K!!!
Ulqui: *draws his sword, with a demonic voice* BACK OFF, BITCH, SHE'S MINE!!
Ichigo: Seriously, dude, ever heard of happy pills?
Ulqui: No, but I've heard of weed. Now that's one hell of a drug. I would know.
Ichigo: Looks like it had the emo effect on ya.
Ulqui: No shit, Sherlock.
Scene 2: Ulqui visits Orihime.
Ulqui: *dramatically* I AM MAKING MY GRAND ENTRANCE! BEHOLD MY SEXY GOODNESS! LOOK AT IT!! LOOK AT IIIIITT!!! YOU LIKE IT, DON'T YOU? YEAH, DAMN RIGHT! Guess what—YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!! HA!!!
Orihime: O.O;...I miss the zombie Ulqui...
Scene 3: Nnoitra talks to Ulqui (again).
Ulqui: Dude, seriously, don't you have anything better to do with your time?
Nnoitra: No. Why the hell else would I be wasting it talking to you?
Ulqui:...Dick.
Nnoitra: Thank you!
Scene 4: Mayuri vs Szayel.
Mayuri:...and the pain will last you a thousand years even though in reality it only takes up about one second of our worthless lives! Enjoy!
Szayel: *for a thousand years* FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....
Scene 5: Grimmjow appears as Orihime is being beaten up by two Arrancar girls with an Aizen fetish.
Grimmjow: Yo, bitches, how's yer sex life? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot—YA DON'T HAVE ONE CUZ YER TWO UNLIKABLE BITCHES!
Loli+Menoly: OMG WE'RE SO WEAK AND INAFFECTUAL BUT WE'RE GONNA ATTACK YOU ANYWAYZ, HAA!! *they attack*
Grimmjow: *ceros them both*
*Dramatic silence*
Grimmjow: Bleach has no room for hoes.
Scene 6: Aizen finally hauls his toffee ass to the Espada meeting.
Aizen:*all happy and chibi as rainbows and unicorns looking suspiciously like Gin and Tousen explode in a shower of love hearts behind him* HI GAIZ!!!
Espada: O.O; Holy shit, he's been at the weed big time...
Aizen:*in the same happy voice* IMMA GONNA SING YOU THE 'HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY' SONG!! EVERYONE SING ALONG OR I RIP OUT YOUR TONGUES AND FEED IT TO YOUZ! YAAAY! *twirls*
Espada: Kill us now. Please. Someone.
Aizen: SING!!!!
*they sing*
Narrator: Having been forced to recite the infamous 'Happy Happy Joy Joy' song about a hundred times over, all members of the Espada were mentally traumatised for the rest of their miserable lives. The End ^^.
Scene 7: Zommari vs Byakuya—Yo Momma.
Zommari: Yo momma's so ugleh that when she went to the butchers and asked for shit meat they cut off her head!
Byakuya: Your mother is so ugly that when my mother met your mother my mother asked: 'Who's dog is this?'
Zommari: *gasp* OH NO YOU DI'INT!
Byakuya: Oh yes I did.
Zommari: Oh NO you DI'INT!!!
Byakuya: Yes. I did.
Zommari: OH NO—
Byakuya: YES I F*CKIN DID MUTHERF*CKER SHIT DAYAAAM WHAT WRONG WITCHOO?!!!
*silence*
Byakuya: *falls to his knees in shame* Oh my God...WHAT HAVE I BECOME?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Scene 8: Barragan enters the battle with the Shinigami.
Barragan: *wakes up* Hm? Wha? Where am I? Who are you people?! PUDDING!!! NACHOES!! PORN!! F*CK MEXICO!!!!
Barragan's Fraccion:...Seriously, what were we thinking when we chose him to be our leader?
Scene 9: Harribel vs Hitsugaya.
Harribel: Hey there, wanna see my tits?
Hitsugaya: Uh, no, that's not—
Harribel: Aw, c'mon, don't be such a wet snowflake!
Hitsugaya: ...>_<
Harribel: They're big, y'know!
Hitsugaya: ....How big?
Momo: *smacks him* CHEATER!!!
Hitsugaya: WTF, WE WEREN'T EVEN DATING!
Momo: Well according to the fanbase we were!! *attacks him*
Hitsugaya: SAVE ME BOOB LADY!! SAVE ME WITH YOUR CLEAVAGE!! AAAAAHHH!!!!
Harribel: *watching* Heh. Even the coldest of men are suckers for huge Gazongas.
Scene 10: Ulqui Kidnaps Orihime.
Ulqui: *deadpan* Hey there. Check out my Dramatic Entrance Number One. *does a victory motion with his hands*. Go me. Go me. It's my birthday.
Orihime: *to the two Shinigami guides* OMG I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO OR IF YOU BOTH GET KILLED JUST DON'T LET HIM TAKE ME!!!
Szayel, one hundred years later.
Szayel:UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-K!!!
Literature
12 days of Bleach Christmas
On the First day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Ichigo Kurosaki
On the Second day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
The Last Quincy Fighter,
And Ichigo Kurosaki
On the Third Day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Three Shinigami,
The last Quincey Fighter,
Literature
Espada Guide Part 1: Meeting
Hello! I am the new Espada >.<
I have been asked by Aizen (...sama...-.-) to document what it's like to be a new Espada! Just so he doesn't have to plough through a load of crap when new Espadas come on! So here is my diary! >.
Literature
Bleach at the Beach
"Yo Baldy, you better put some sunscreen on under your wig or you're gonna have a nasty burn tomorrow." Hiyori flicked the sunscreen at the Vizard and went back to her sandcastle.
Hirako grabbed the sunscreen (SPF 30) and squirted most of it into the sand, despite Hinamori and Rangiku's squeals of protest.
"I don't wear a wig. This hair is perfectly natural." Hirako patted the top of his head. "You're just jealous."
"Yeah, right." Hiyori scoffed, taking off her white T-shirt to reveal a plain black onepiece swimsuit.
"Come on, Rukia!"
Together, they ran screaming into the ocean, hand-in-hand.
"Soi Fon! Soi Fon!"
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All characters mentioned in this crack fic do not belong to me, they belong to Tite Kubo.
Christ, guys, I'm on a roll! hope this is as funny, if not more so, than the previous one! Thank you all for your support!!
Christ, guys, I'm on a roll! hope this is as funny, if not more so, than the previous one! Thank you all for your support!!
© 2011 - 2024 frostysnowman94
Comments169
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Byakuya: YES I F*CKIN DID MUTHERF*CKER SHIT DAYAAAM WHAT WRONG WITCHOO?!!!
*silence*
Byakuya: *falls to his knees in shame* Oh my God...WHAT HAVE I BECOME?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Can I just PLEASE die now??!!
Great job!
Aizen's so high...damn weed...
Halibel...
*silence*
Byakuya: *falls to his knees in shame* Oh my God...WHAT HAVE I BECOME?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Can I just PLEASE die now??!!
Great job!
Aizen's so high...damn weed...
Halibel...